Where it all went wrong.
Need a place to vent. ugh. I can’t believe how wrong I was in that last post. Love has escaped me. It is a far off dream in a far off memory that I don’t think I’ll ever get back. Not for her anyways. sigh.. Maybe it was the constant problems. Maybe it was the arguing. Maybe it was how she would always ‘cry wolf’ when she gave up, expecting everything to be okay the next day. Maybe it was that constricting feeling. Maybe it was how I had to take the blame for everything, even when it wasn’t my fault. Or maybe it was all of it. To be honest, I feel empty. Slowly the closeness began to fade. I felt obligated to be near her. I didn’t want to kiss her, let alone hug her. I was crying every night. Sometimes a couple tears, sometimes until there were no more tears, and almost every time it was what lulled me to sleep. I kept it all in. If I even tried to bring attention to a problem, she would get upset with me and tell me that she doesn’t do anything wrong. Well gee, nobody’s perfect, and it’s not fair that I had to take the blame for things that were clearly her fault. I would have to pull something out of my ass just to make her happy. She controlled my life; my family, my friends - I put her on a pedestal, and that was where she remained until I finally pushed it down.
I hated how she would get upset if I never answered her stupid texts. Like, just because my parents are cool with me having a phone was every reason I should be rude to everyone I was with because she had something to say. Or, if I was working on a very important project, her time was even MORE important than that. As if my grades weren’t a priority. I’m sorry, failing school may be your choice, but it sure as hell isn’t mine. I haven’t turned in 2 major assignments because during the time I should have been working them, she wanted to talk on the phone because ‘it’s my only time to talk to you!’ Sigh. And if I hung out with a friend, they were intruding on the time I could spend talking to her, when I talked to her 24/7. OR, I was apparently sneaking around. Really? Even when I told you before the fact who I was with and where I was going? That’s being sneaky? That’s being deceitful? Whatever part of her mind gave her that idea is beyond me. She kept tabs on me like no tomorrow. I couldn’t go anywhere without having to tell her or she would freak out and think I died or was mad or was with someone else or some other reason she pulled out of thin air. Because here’s the thing. I’m loyal; the kind that will respect you if you don’t like something and will try to change that to make you happy. The kind that will not put myself in a situation where I feel something might happen (ie. the other person trying to hit on me). I hate cheaters, and I don’t tolerate it. So why would I be that big of a hypocrite? The other thing that bothered me was how much I supported her, and how little support I got back. She’s apart of band, and they go on field trips all the time, win lots of awards, and other such things. I was always proud of her for those things. As for me, I’m very much into the arts, and sure, she’d be like ‘wow, that’s cool’ whenever I showed her a finished product, but that was ONLY if she was in a good mood. When she didn’t care, it was so obvious. And it hurt. I wanted her to be proud of me, but I felt like she wasn’t. Considering how often she would say I was stupid and retarded.. and not in a joking way. Only when she lost me did she start saying nicer things. But that flattery hit a brick wall. When I could start driving, I would constantly drive to her house, spending my money to go see her. But she never wanted to come over, and when she did,I was the one that had to get her, and sometimes bring her back home too. On top of that, I would go to her band concerts and take her places she needed to go. Once I even drove her to renton because she wanted to meet someone there with a laptop for sale. That’s very much out of the way for me. Just because I could drive, she expected me to drive her around. And if I couldn’t, she would get upset. If I was even 15 minutes late to her house, I would get a series of texts saying ‘where the f*ck are you???!!!! I don’t have time to just wait around for you!!!!!! You take for f*ucking ever!!!! You’re wasting my only time with you!!! Hurry the f*ck up!!!!!!!!!!” And I’m not exaggerating the exclamations. sigh.. I did my best to please her and spend as much time with her as I could, but it just never seemed to be enough. Don’t get me wrong, on good days, she was the best. I loved the little things she did for me. The little kisses, the gentle caresses. But I got so tired.. I got numb. Hell, she would even give me grief on the money she would spend on me. Gifts. She would say ‘I spend so much on you but I don’t ever get a cent back.’ and I’d say ‘I’m broke. I don’t have money to spend on you. But if it bothers you that much, then just don’t give me anything.’ And then she would get even more mad because she loved giving gifts and making me happy. It’s not like I ever asked her for any of them either. It just didn’t make sense how she could be so generous and at the same time so selfish. But truth is, she’s just very selfish, and very insecure. She blames it on her divorced parents when she was a baby. Oh, and her ex girlfriend who was a total bitch and lied and cheated on her all the time. She even had the audacity to say that I was like her ex. No. I am not. But if this is how she was treated by ten months (since ten months is when she first started cheating) I can’t really blame her. It’s suffocating. I felt broken. I wasn’t me. I was trying so hard to change for her, even when it was impossible. You shouldn’t have to change for anyone. They should accept your flaws, just as you should accept theirs. And if you aren’t a match, then you just aren’t. Then, you need to move on. This is me moving on..
Going back to the part about just hanging out with friends: She would throw a fit just to get my attention. She had no boundaries. She would make me feel so bad in front of my friends and guilty that I wasn’t paying attention to her, like she might just DIE if I didn’t talk to her that second. I can think of at least three incidents where we had maybe a small disagreement before my friend and I had began hanging out. And then she would text me about 6 pages of why she’s upset and how horrible I am for just letting her deal with how she feels because I’m paying attention to my friend. Well, hello! As soon as a friend is with me, it’s their time. Not your time. Get over it. I do the same thing for you and everyone else. Or did, until you came into the picture. Now it doesn’t matter who I’m hanging out with, it’s ALWAYS your time. And that’s not right. Doesn’t mean they’re any better than you, it’s called manners. Sigh.. She would do this over texting, and then say something about how she’s crying and needs to talk to me, or she’s about to have a heart attack, or some other issue and I would have to excuse myself and talk to her. As soon as I did, she was fine. But then she would keep me on the phone. I’d say I have to go and she’d start being a big stupid baby again and I would end up spending a good hour on the phone while my friend is twidling their thumbs, wondering what the hell is wrong that takes that long. It was so RUDE. And I’m embarrassed to say I let her take advantage of me like that. And I am so sorry to my friends whose time has been interupted for such phonecalls.
And then if she got angry enough, she would tell me how I need to try to fix what’s wrong. Because I’m the one not putting in enough effort. She would say that she doesn’t feel like I love or care about her. And how she’s tired of my shit. I was walking on eggshells with her, trying to make her happy and always failing. Every day I would have to say sorry at least a dozen times, to the point that my sorrys didn’t mean anything to her anymore. Because all I ever did was ‘make her feel like crap’ when most the time I was being wrongly accused and cursed at, named called and verbally demeaned to nothing. She would say she’s done and basically tell me it’s over, while I’m lying in bed sobbing because I have no idea what was possibly so bad that could make her do this. And then in a few hours, or the next morning (usually) she would say how she’s sorry and she loves me and she doesn’t know what she was thinking and she could never walk away from me. This is what I would call her ‘crying wolf’ because I would never know if it was real or not. My heart broke so many times because of her.. at this point in time, it’s shattered to dust for her. Even if you collected all the pieces, it would be impossible to put it back together. And that’s where I stand. I’m not taking her back.
