Rene.

Miss you so much it hurts.

One year, two months, and 11 days. That’s how long it lasted. Through the ups and downs, we had a great time. Or so I thought. I guess it’s not really our fault that time escaped us and we came spiraling to the end. But I wish it hadn’t. I wish that for a short while longer we, or should I say he had held on. Maybe we would have made it through.

I keep thinking back to the days when we first were together. Where we couldn’t keep our hands off of eachother. Where we sunk into the cushions in the living room sofa, pretending we were innocent when someone came in. I remember when he would drop everything and come to me just because I was crying and I needed a hug, or because he missed me so much he couldn’t sleep. And all I can think of now is how I wish that we were back in that time, and he would come rescue me from this world of hurt. I wish we could go for a drive, to the pass, or wherever. Just to sit and watch the sunset like we used to. Where he would make me stand so he could take my picture. I wish we had more pictures together. But more than that, I wish we had more memories.

I will admit I may have been a bit picky with him. I nitpicked about his clothes being dirty or having holes. I didn’t mind so much they were dirty as much as I did when they had large holes in the knees and other places. Especially when we went out. If it was just us hanging around the house, sure I’d say something, but I really couldn’t have cared less. On top of that I nagged about his truck having tons of trash in it, and his room being a cluttered mess of clothes and random things that you couldn’t see the floor or a shelf. But even that started to grow on me..

What I think is the hardest part is that I was willing to sacrifice what I wanted to be with him. Only because I loved him enough to stay with him. He wanted to move east, and at first I gave him a flat out no. But after a few days of thinking, I realized I didn’t want to be apart from him. I even switched schools just so I could have a chance to stay with him. I’m still going to go for the degree, because I know that I will happy in the long run, regardless. I don’t think he had any idea how much I was willing to give up. He still doesn’t. But at that point, we didn’t even have a chance to talk.

I don’t entirely know what he’s going through. The past few months he didn’t really let me in. Maybe I was just too much for him to handle with school and work anyways. At first I got upset because all I wanted was to see him. And maybe that’s what turned him away to begin with, because I was frustrated with the situation, but I sure as hell wasn’t frustrated with him. In the back of my mind I knew there would always be time, that the busyness would only be temporary, and that once again we would go back to what we had. It was when he started to get frustrated with me that I began to get scared. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t know how to reverse what had happened. But everything he told me that annoyed him I tried to stop. I didn’t want to make him get annoyed with me altogether. But I guess it’s too late now.

I’ve never cried over someone like I have cried over him. He somehow wound his way into my heart, and the last moments I had with him are the most bittersweet memories I have. I didn’t even try to fight for us. I just let him say what he had to say, and left. I wish I had stayed in his arms that day that he hugged me for the final time. There was nothing like the feeling of his arms around me. I wish I had kissed him, actually kissed him. Just to have kissed him one last time. I hate that I was the one to let go first, but at the same time, I didn’t want him to see me cry any more than I already had. And it kills me. The pain kills me that I didn’t try harder. Or maybe I just tried too hard. I wasn’t ready to give up. I’m still not. I just want him back. I want him back. I want him back…

Sep
18

+

Larry - RIP

Life really gets thrown into perspective when you watch something you love die; when you hold the slowly stiffening body in your arms, carrying it out to the special place you’ve dug a hole to bury them in. And you start thinking, did they have a good life? Were they happy in your care? These were my thoughts this morning as I buried my Himalayan rabbit, Larry.

It shouldn’t have been his time to go, having only turned four this June, but alas he is gone.

I remember the first time I saw Larry. It was at fair in 2006; my first year of rabbit 4-H. He was still a baby, caged with his two brothers. My friend Mary was the owner, and she had named them after the Three Stooges; Larry, Mo, and Curly Joe. Originally he was Curly Joe, but we changed the names because I already had a horse named Joe, and we didn’t want it to be confusing. He grew into a very nice young buck, and he was the sweetest boy. Probably one of my quirkiest rabbits too. I can’t tell you how many times he made me laugh.

The next year at fair, I remember holding him in my arms, waiting for Fit and Show to start. He was so exhausted from the strange noises and fire works that go on at the fair, that he took comfort being in my arms and fell asleep. I had never had an animal fall asleep so completely in my arms before. I was so content to just hold him, that when I had to wake him up, I felt bad. I would’ve let him stay like that as long as he wanted, if I was able.
Later during fair, I was holding him in my lap at the petting area; a circle of hay bales for us to bring our rabbits out for the public to pet. After about 5 minutes of this, he decided he had to go, and all of a sudden I felt something warm and wet on my pants. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he had peed on me where it looked like I had peed myself. It was so embarrassing. Luckily, my friend had a change of clothes I could borrow, so I wasn’t humiliated for long.

During this same year, I bought a female Himalayan, who I named Lily. The following year, they had a beautiful litter of six. I remember feeling so proud for them, even though I had been the matchmaker, and I’m sure Larry wasn’t even aware that those babies were his. But nonetheless, I would hold up one of those tiny kits to his cage door and let him smell it, saying what a proud daddy he should be.

I love walking into my rabbitry and seeing all of those fuzzy animals. They all have their own personalities and habits. Larry had a few to name. One of my favorites, and probably the one that I’ll miss the most was the way he’d sit up on his haunches, and place his front feet on the cage wiring quite a ways up. Then he’d cock his head to the side a bit, and that’s how he’d stay until I came to the cage. It was as if he was saying ‘I see you! Do you see me? Come pet me!” And when I would open his door, he’d make sure he was right there, sticking his nose out for me to pet. He loved being stroked from nose to forehead. He would stay there for hours if you continued to pet him, just about falling asleep in the process. On some days he’d have a lot of spunk and jump around the cage, making little grunting noises.

I am sad to say that this year I have lost a number of rabbits. A couple were sick, and a couple died from old age. For others, it was just the appropriate thing to do. For Larry, I believe it was his time, and although I have had many a rabbit’s death to deal with, he was the first one that I ever witnessed. I have never seen one of my adult rabbits laying dead in their cages (or seen them being euthanised by the vet) and I have never had to bury one. That is, not until today.

Goodbye Larry. You’re in a better place now..

——-

I figure I should take this time to also remember a few other rabbits that have passed away, that I haven’t mentioned anything of. This year I have lost Torrey, Snuggles, Lily, Opie, and Autumn, as well as Larry. Torrey and Snuggles got sick and had to be put down. Lily and Opie both had personality issues; Lily chewed the fur off of her feet to the point that they were raw (I tried everything to fix it) and Opie, would rub the fur off of his face, and spray so that the rest of his coat was sticky and gross (no amount of baths can clean that). It was the appropriate thing for them to be put down as well. Autumn and Larry both passed away because it was their time to go.

Torrey - Daughter of Autumn and Valentino. My beautiful baby that won a Best of Breed and a Best Opposite at only 3 months of age. She was from the first litter I ever had. She lived to be 5 years old, and through that time, she was one of my most special bunnies. I’ll never forget the way she’d always be waiting at the door for me, and how she’d come up and nuzzle me, sometime even licking my face. We’d play a game where I’d say her name really excitedly and she’d spin around in her cage a few times, come up and give me a bunny kiss, and then we’d do it again. She and I had a strong bond. I’ll never forget her (and her cute little airplane ears).

Snuggles - Daughter of Poppy and Valentino. My larger-than-should-be holland lop. She started out as the runt of the litter, and was so small that her siblings just pushed her out of the way. I brought her inside where she would eat her fill, and then I’d hold her. Her favorite place was to rest on my shoulder, snuggling up to my neck (hence her name). I remember one time we brought her to a show to keep an eye on her while the other bunnies got judged. It was a bit cold that day, and she was shivering, so I put her in my coat pocket, where she picked up the name “Pocket Bunny.” As she got older, she grew and grew to the point where she was a third larger than her mom. Even as a larger rabbit, she still loved snuggling into my neck when I held her. She had the softest Holland Lop fur I have ever felt. I’ll miss that girl.

Lily - Bought from my friend Mary. Larry’s lovely girlfriend. She was always the skinniest little bunny. Although that is just how the Himalayan breed is, she was always so petite. And when she was pregnant, you could hardly tell. I was so surprised when she produced six babies. Six! I thought she had maybe two. She was always a very sweet rabbit, although very shy. It was only the last year I had her that she started coming up to the cage door more often. I always felt bad because she felt the need to chew her feet. I tried so many things, but in the end I could see she was miserable. My little Lily, you were beautiful.

Opie - Son of Caprice and Pudge. He was the most adorable little boy growing up. Everyone loved him; from his disposition to his looks. That boy was the spitting image of his father, Pudge (aside from being a different color). I used to nickname him Toad as a baby, because Caprice loved feeding him so much, his belly stretched out so far that he looked like a little toad. It was cute.

Autumn - A gift from a friend. She was such a great mother to her babies, and a easy-going rabbit too. She’d always be up at the cage door, with her nose pressed against it, waiting for me. I’d give her a kiss right on the nose, where she’d either stay there and make this ‘mm’ sound (kind of a grunty noise), or she’d pull away, shake her head, and press her nose into the cage for another one. She was one of my oldest rabbits, living to the age of 5 1/2. I’m sad to say that she passed away while I was on my way home from Europe. I’ll never forget how sweet she was.

RIP every one of you. You’ll all be missed.

Sep
14

One of my canine characters, Ripkin. First bit of Art I’ve put up here. Woo!

Aug
24

Echo’s stitches; she’s had them in for about 8 weeks at this point.

+

Snake Issues; Resolved

In continuation of the events from my previous post, Echo is doing great! Here’s how it all went down:

I took her to the vet on the wednesday appointment. That visit was full of tears and tough decisions. I fought with the idea of putting her down because, alas, my family can’t really afford any extra expense at the time. The vet said that her eye had been ruptured, and the only way to cure it was that it needed to be removed. The total cost was going to be about $200, and although I love Echo, I knew the price was a bit high for me. My dad had given me $100 to spend on her vet bills, since I don’t have a job and all, but he said that was it. After many phonecalls, I finally decided I would delve into my savings for my trip to Europe which was coming up in the next week and a half. I went with my gut on this one; I knew that if I gave her a chance, she would pull through. So there I left her to have surgery, and I would pick her up the next day. The vet said that he would give me a call if anything went wrong with the surgery.

_{The rest of that day, I kept checking my phone, making sure I hadn’t missed a call. I felt like a paranoid parent. And in technical terms, I kind of was; Echo is like my baby, same as any of my other pets. Well, I didn’t get a phonecall that day, so I assumed surgery must have gone accordingly. The next morning, I spent half the day checking my phone again - they said they would call when she was ready to be picked up. I’m not patient enough for that; I needed to know how my snake was doing. So I called in, and they said I could pick her up in a couple hours.}

It was really weird seeing her for the first time. The stitches closing her eye socket were pulling on her lip, so she had this sort of joker smile on one side. I felt sorry for her, but I knew she was feeling a lot better (or would soon). For the next 10 days I gave her shots and an oral medicine, which was convenient since I would be leaving a couple days after (meaning no one else had to take on the obligation of giving her shots, although my mom continued with the oral medicine for a while). On her check-up with the vet, he said she was looking good. From here, my mom looked after her for about 3 weeks while I toured Europe. When I came back, her lip had relaxed substantially, which was good to see. I made an appointment with the vet since it was nearing the time for her stitches to come out. He looked her over and said she was looking great, and that the stitches could come out in a couple weeks.

A few days before the appointment, Echo shed her skin, and during that shed, her stitches had pulled out. I wasn’t too worried since they were going to come out anyways. But what a sight! You can see the socket quite clearly, although there is skin that has formed over it. It was a bit creepy at first, but she actually looks pretty cool. If anything, it adds character!

Jun
24

The missing Yearbook photo; Astonishing Artist

Jun
23

So there’s this guy..

And I really like him. :D

Jun
20

Snake Issues.

_{The past couple months have been ridiculous with my snake Echo. She’s this beautiful little corn snake; a zig-zag ghost. And I love her to bits. She’s one of the sweetest snakes anyone could ask for, and being my first snake, she holds a very special place in my heart.}

_{So, two months ago, I started noticing that she couldn’t close her mouth all the way, and she was starting to do this wheezing noise whenever she had to be active. When she didn’t shed after her eye caps turned blue and then dark, I knew she needed to go to the vet. He diagnosed her with a respiratory infection (which I had already guessed). He said that the shed was a problem here because the skin was stuck to her nostrils, making it harder for her to breathe and probably an addition to the infection or the cause. He removed the skin from her face, and she shed in a matter of minutes; that skin was ready to come off! The vet then gave me a 14 day shot treatment for her, which I administered to her.}

_{After all the shots were done, I continued to watch her closely. I noticed that her right eye was starting to get this crusty color, and I figured there was something either wrong with the eye or the eye cap was retained.. which was weird since I saw the vet take off the cap. Well, after this started happening, I noticed her belly get to a milky color, which means she was going to shed soon. I watched for the blue-phase on her eye caps, but that never came. Then two Thursdays ago, June 10th, I came home to find a nice looking shed in her cage. I was excited, hoping maybe that eye cap came off.}

_{As I pulled the screen off the top of her cage, it caught on something. Only then did I realize that the top had been broken, by what I’m positive was my cat sitting her fat little bottom on it, and the weight of her breaking the screen from its frame. Panicking, I got the screen off and fished my hand through all of her bedding. There was no snake to be found. I spent the next four hours rummaging through every room to find her. Still no luck. Eventually I accepted the fact that she would come out when she wanted to, and it would only be a matter of time before I found her.. alive or dead.}

_{Early saturday morning (2am to be exact), I found my little girl slithering over my desk chair. It took me about 10 seconds of staring at the end of her tail to realize that she was found and I wasn’t imagining anything. The moment was bittersweet as I picked her up, looking her over to see if she had been harmed. Overall, she was fine… except that her entire eye was bulging out of the socket. My heart sank. But this wasn’t a time to dwell on that factor; Echo had been without water for over a week and without food for almost three (since I feed her weekly and she got out on mouse day). Immediately I turned on a faucet and held her delicate face next to the water. She drank for about 3 minutes straight, and all of her movements were so slow. She was terribly weak, and her color was so pale. My friend who spent the night that night held her to get her temperature warmed up as I prepared my temporary cage for her.}

_{As soon as I woke up that day, I checked on her. Her eye was bloody. A gruesome sight. But she had regained some strength from drinking all that water. She looked a bit more plump, and her movements were a little faster. I fed her that afternoon, and although she barely was able to strike at the mouse, she gobbled it up without hesitation. So that was good. I’m taking her to the vet on wednesday since it’s the soonest they had an appointment. We’ll see what they have to say.}

Jun
05

Gasoline Spillage

Yeah, my best friend is specialll. We went to Costco to fill her car up with gas. She puts the nozzle in, and locks it down. Ten seconds later the thing flies out of the car, spraying both of us. It was so hilarious but also very uncool. Mainly because my friend works there. And he’s really cute. But it was okay cause we started joking with him about how special my friend and I are as he helped us clean up a bit. SO YEAH. fun stuff.